Yesterday we took our annual trip up to Millersville to get the obligatory nine and ten year old check-ups for the older kids. We saw our usually warm and wonderful pediatrician and I felt particularly at ease since these trips are usually stress free (no one is ill and no big tests need to take place). I noticed something immediately askew. Normally, you get a toothy grin and a hearty pat on the back from Doctor Wonderful as the exams get underway, I mean I chose this guy for his demeanor and great bedside manor. This time he seemed all business, grim even. I scratched my head momentarily, but figured it must have been a rough day for him considering all the kids in the waiting room who had parents as lazy as me. We did wait until the second day of school to take care of the check up for goodness sake.
Here is how the conversation went after both kids had been examined and were buttoning up.
Doctor Wonderful: Have you discussed sex with them yet?
Me: Umm, well bits and pieces really.... uh just a little.
Doctor Wonderful: Suck it up (yes this did come out of his mouth) if they don't hear it from you they will hear it from their friends and on the internet. That is NOT the kind of misinformation they need to be filled with. Have the talk.
Me: Uh, o.k.
Doctor Wonderful: Are any of their peers smoking or drinking yet?
Me: GOD NO! They are still in kneesocks...I mean they still play four square and hopscotch on the playground!
Doctor Wonderful: Good. You need to tell them in no uncertain terms that smokers make bad friends. These are risk takers and we don't want that kind of influence.
Unaccustomed to this kind of abrupt questioning I was caught a bit off guard, but I wasn't shaken up enough not to notice that my kids eyes lit up when he mentioned smokers like they were lepers. I spun and gave both the stink eye immediately to stop them from revealilng what they were about to. You see...my husband is a smoker and I did NOT want to hear that lecture at the end of a long day.
Me: (backing away grabbing ahold of both kids) O.K. then, we've got to get going! Thanks! Do I have a co-pay?
Kids: But Mommy, Daddy's a.........
Me: Right, Daddy will be home early today. Here eat these lollipops.
On the ride home everyone looked sullen. Gavan, my middle son thought for a while and then asked "So we can't be friends with Daddy?" I explained that the doctor was talking about other kids and that Daddy would keep trying to quit so that he could be healthy. Having narrowly escaped having to bumble my way through an excuse for the poor health habits of my spouse was enough of a victory for one day.
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